Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. 

Paper was stationary. 

Knives were up sharply. 

Cows steered into a bull market. 

Pencils lost a few points.  

Elevators rose, while escalators continued
their slow decline. 

Weights were up in heavy trading. 

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

The market for raisins dried up.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.